Engaging in a full fuckin’ spring clean of the house.
My parents house is big. A modest little brick veneer from the outside, once you step inside you realize just how deceptive the exterior is, hiding its 6 bedrooms plus a rumpus and study, informal and formal dining areas, the lounge and LOTS of fuckin’ windows.
And I am currently in the midst of cleaning this monstrosity on my bloody lonesome. Why? Because I have no sodding cigarettes and refuse to buy anymore and have gone off the deep end. I need something to keep me sweaty and busy so that I can ignore my body telling me that I need to run off and buy me some cancer sticks now!
There’s still a lot to go, I’m afraid. I’ve vaccuumed the bastard, cleaned all the outside windows and the fly screens, cleaned every tiny dust speck and cobweb off the ceilings, washed and wiped the windowsills and am currently waiting for mother to get back with a new mop and rubber gloves so I can mop all the floors, do the inside windows and the bathrooms.
Yes folks, this is how I am spending this brilliantly sunny Friday afternoon, and possibly evening. Shoot me.
Funnymen Dylan Moran (left) and Simon Pegg (right)
So, everyone knows the old adage “laughter is the best medicine”. There’s another side to it that I think almost any woman will admit - laughter is also great foreplay! No, I’m not talking about pre-nookie bedroom foreplay, but the dance we do when we’re testing the waters, playing on initial attraction, playing in that zone before you’re at the point where you turn to the person you’re talking to, waggle your eyebrows and say “so, your place or mine?”
Kidding! Well, kinda…
My post on ‘nice guys’/alpha males may have led to the perception that those were the main traits of attraction, but while they may catch your eye, they don’t get you much further than that. Beyond that point, some find sophistication to be a turn-on, while others favour thoughtful intelligence.
Both are great, mind you, but personally, I find that laughter is far more attractive than both combined. Take the two aforementioned actor/comedians, for example. Okay sure, they both have the slight scruffiness that I find INCREDIBLY attractive (I’ve never been a huge fan of the clean-cut, muscle-bound suit, preferring the slightly scruffy and casual male who still scrubs up nicely every now and then when required), but they also have the ability to have me rolling about on the floor, clutching my sides as I gasp desperately for air while laughing so hard that my abs and cheeks are in agony the following day.
A great example is the actor Steve Carell - on screen from 1991, it was when he played Brick Tamland in Will Ferrell’s “Anchorman” that he suddenly shot into the public consciousness. While the movie itself wasn’t a huge hit, everyone I spoke to mentioned two memorable things about the movie, the ‘jazz flute’ scene, and Brick, a very simple character that was used as a sort of slightly uncomfortable slapstick release, which a surprising number of women I know found adorable, or even hot!
This article outlines what physiological changes we undergo when we laugh:
“We change physiologically when we laugh. We stretch muscles throughout our face and body, our pulse and blood pressure go up, and we breathe faster, sending more oxygen to our tissues.”
According to another article, laughter (or even the anticipation of a good ol’ bellyachin’ laugh) causes “significant neuroendocrine/hormone effects”, one of them being a dramatic increase in endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemical.
When you take that final point into account, is it really any wonder then that we find those who can make us giggle or chortle attractive? All that laughing releasing endorphins to buzz around the body, making you feel awake and good, which we then attribute directly to the person making us laugh - do it well and you’re a shoo-in to get your conversational partner’s attention (and phone number!)
Of course, this isn’t necessarily an easy task - everyone has a different sense of humour, and finding someone who clicks with yours and appreciates your wonderful (or cheesy as all hell) jokes can be a difficult task in its own right. However, in my experience, nowhere near enough men try this approach, trying too hard to appear all mature and sophisticated, or running pick up lines that have me (and my mates) rolling eyes toward the ceiling.
So, all you chaps out there, the next time you spot some pretty little thing who takes your fancy, sidle up next to her and tell her your best joke - if she bursts out into laughter, congratulations, you just got your first foot in the door! Trust me, you’ll have more success with this approach than you would by trying to rub your crotch against her derrière or telling her that “heaven is missing an angel”.
Trust me on this one.
EDIT:
The inspiration for this post was that I saw “Run, fatboy, run” with my best mate tonight, which starred both Simon Pegg and Dylan Moran, and both of us almost died from asphyxiation during the movie since we were laughing so damn much!
Melbourne, being the smoke free zone that it is (no smoking indoors or at any public transport stop), means that smokers such as myself (not that I intend to be one for much longer) can be difficult to accommodate when arranging a drinks night out and about. Sure pubs with beer gardens aren’t too difficult to find, but when one prefers the slightly…cleaner atmosphere of a bar, especially in the city, it can be a bit of a struggle.
Here’s a list of venues that a smoke-friendly, whether in the way of gardens or balconies!
Section 8
27-29 Tattersall’s La, Melbourne
0430 291 588
http://www.section8.com.auNever been, nor heard of. But anything is worth a try!
Collins Quarter
86A Collins Street, Melbourne
9650 8500A feature of the three-month-old renovation is a courtyard with a roof that slides open. Housed in the original 1872 building, with its Collins Street entrance, is a brighter, more open dining area.
Enter from the back, off Pink Alley and you hit the Blind Alley bar that leads into the courtyard. Upstairs, looking down on to that space, is RA, a champagne/cocktail bar with louvre windows, modular furniture and a stunning array of drinks.
Fuller Bar
161 Spring Street, Melbourne
9654 6300Situated on the roof of Supper Club, this new open air bar is the hot spot to be this summer.Owner Con Chistopolous has spent $1.2 million for the renovation of this keenly anticipated rooftop and dining space.
Named after Sir Benjamin Fuller, a theatrical entrepreneur from the late 19th and early 20th centuries who owned the Princess Theatre for a short time, Fuller Bar has a bird’s eye view of Parliament House, Parliament Gardens and the Princess Theatre.
Rooftop Bar
Level 7, 252 Swanston Street, Melbourne
9654 5394Above Cookie, a fantabulous restaurant and non-smoking bar, this bar runs Rooftop Cinema during the summer months so it’s out on nights when they have sessions, but otherwise a great venue.
Cho Gao
Melbourne Central, Level 3, 211 Swanston Street, Melbourne
9650 7933
http://www.chogao.com.au/
Three things I know about this place - great view from the balcony, apparently decent service (according to my brother), and it’s patrons tend to get drunk and throw bottlecaps at girls walking along the street below.
The Pond
130-134 Franklin Street roundabout
http://www.findthepond.com.au/
The transformation of a derelict courtyard and laneway has resulted in one of this summer’s hottest watering holes. The Pond has been created using an eclectic variety of recycled materials including garden pots and certified plantation pine furniture, resulting in a coolly inviting garden oasis and rooftop deck. The Pond will ‘dry up’ at the end of summer, so get in quick!
Sarti
6 Russell Place, Melbourne
9639 7822
http://www.sarti.net.auA proper restaurant, all Italian flavours created by co-owner and head chef Ricardo Momesso with a nifty wine list, has expanded to include a revamped terraced balcony.
Madame Brussels
Level 3, 59 Bourke Street, Melbourne
9662 2775
http://www.madamebrussels.com/This is the bar that Alice in Wonderland would have designed after dropping an E - you enter to a totally kitschy cute atmosphere, ivy painted across the ceiling, astroturf on the ground with a paved path leading from the bar to the balcony, and all the furniture a mix of white garden furniture and chaises and couches. If you’re not one of the Pimms chasers, they do a few cocktails by the jug - for two drinkers or four, and sell some cute (though mediocre in taste) cupcakes.
Trunk Bar & Restaurant
275 Exhibition Street, Melbourne
9663 7994
Review - The AgeTrunk has just opened in this outstanding city location and shows all the signs of finding a place amongst the city’s most popular after work venues. A much needed addition to the northern end of the city, Trunk’s home was once a synagogue and more recently Silitto’s Italian restaurant. The highlight over summer will be the elegant front herb garden area, but come winter or cool weather the slick internal New York styling will beckon.
Eurotrash Bar
18 Corrs La, Melbourne
9654 4411
http://www.eurotrashbar.com.au/A multi-level venue, upstairs from the bar is the gallery-slash-performance space where the Pop Tart session takes place (a regular Thursday night celebration of female-fronted bands). Up another level is the for-hire only ‘penthouse’ section - perfect for any sort of party. Head out the back door to find a smoker-friendly tiered beer garden watched over by a three storey-high busty ‘nurse’, just one of the murals that go into making Eurotrash so eclectic. Ultimately unpretentious, this is probably a venue to include on your regular hit list.
The Order of Melbourne
Level 2/401 Swanston St Melbourne
9663 6707
http://www.theorder.com.au/A fantastic bar, it’s inconspicuous doorway leads up two flights of stairs to a vast indoor area with plenty of seating. Up another flight of stairs leads to a tiny balcony with a seperate bar so you don’t need to navigate stairs in heels with drinks in hand. Gets a bit noisy, but a great venue for a gathering.
The Workshop
Lvl 1, 413-417 Elizabeth St (Cnr A’Beckett St), Melbourne
9326 4365
http://www.theworkshop.com.au/Popular with students and CBD workers and housed in an old motorcycle workshop with a very small outside balcony/terrace, Workshop blends beer, and hip hop and funk DJs with greasy engine parts to create the perfect mix for inner city pleasure.
Miss Libertine
34 Franklin St, Melbourne
9663 6855
http://www.misslibertine.com.au/The venue has three bars over two levels, a fully equipped recording studio and independant art gallery. Have never been here myself, but I hear it’s not a bad venue at all for the hip suits and students to intermingle after hours.
The Red Hummingbird
Lvl 1, Lvl 1, 246 Russell St, Melbourne
9654 2266
http://www.theredhummingbird.com/
Beautiful Moroccan-themed bar, it looks luxurious in red and boasts a beautiful rooftop balcony decked out with Asian lounges and water features, and is apparently a great place to view the sunset.
The Toff in Town
Curtin House, Lvl 2, 252 Swanston St, Melbourne
9639 8770
http://www.thetoffintown.com/Train carriage-style booths run the length of the main bar with total privacy assured by a few well-drawn blinds. The only interruption in your evening will come at the press of button when you summons the wait staff to deliver more liquid indulgence, or perhaps a small plate of French nibbles from the larder.
Opening in 2008
- The Italian - 101 Collins Street on March 25
- Print-house in A’Beckett Street mid-year.
It’s called Extreme Bed Hair.
To the anonymous douchebag who just sent me an email courtesy of the contact form on this blog telling me that I’m an idiot for stating that humans are outside natural order, grow a pair of cojones and don’t hide behind the cloak of anonymity.
As for why I think humans are outside natural order - think about what natural order entails. A dictionary definition is “the physical universe considered as an orderly system subject to natural (not human or supernatural) laws”. Subject to natural law. It has been a good few years since I studied evolutionary theory (not a science class but a philosophical one), but I’ll state the same argument that I stated then - humans are no longer subject to natural law. We invent medicines to heal ourselves and extend life expectancy, muck about with genes, have means of controlling our climate and instead of being affected by nature and natural law, WE affect IT.
Not having done the study into the evolution of human society, I couldn’t say when we moved outside natural order, but I’d say that it had something to do with the moment that we began focusing on things that we WANT but do not NEED - the beginnings of ‘culture’. We need food, but we do not need ‘cuisine’. We need clothing, but we do not need ‘fashion’. We need shelter, but do not need houses with paved courtyards and white picket fences. We need to communicate (danger there, food here, etc) but do not need music/songs, paintings, poetry or stories.
I’m not saying that any of these are BAD things, just that when it comes down to the basics of survival, they are unecessary, and our species is one that no longer focuses just on survival and continuation of the species but has gone far beyond it, which is my reasoning for saying that human beings are outside natural order.
Don’t be an ‘anonymouse’, if you disagree, then grow a pair and leave an articulate argument as to WHY you do.
I got sent this link today and almost DIED laughing - check it out!
My favourite of the list?
Ladies and gentleman, let me introduce you to the Rectorotor! Apparently this product promises to cure “piles, constipation, and prostrate problems.” It was designed to break up, your, um, “piles” and to lubricate the rectum. The tip had holes in it through which ointment could be released. How it was supposed to cure your prostate problems can only be imagined. But with a motto like “large enough to be efficient, small enough for anyone over 15 years old,” how could you go wrong?
I shared that link with a few mates this afternoon, and the best response by far was “my bumhole is clenching right now”. After only just overcoming the giggles from reading the article, that sent me into another fit that seriously had me gasping for air.
Though I’m not sure where one would acquire one of these, if you want it badly enough, I’m sure you’ll be able to track it down 
I was having a conversation with someone last night when this topic came up - well, not directly, but by way of a comment about how this person was “sick of seeing bastards get laid”, while integrity and honesty sometimes left nice guys such as himself out in the cold.
Is the statement necessarily true? When I look at my romantic past (and, whether it be fortunate or unfortunate, there’s quite a bit to look back at), I can definitely see some instances where I’ve left the stereotypical ‘nice guy’ in the lurch. You know, the fine, upstanding moral citizen who treats women like delicate objects and thinks that pretending to be your best friend is going to get him into your pants…snoooore.
I’m not saying that you have to be a bastard to get laid - I’m friends with a few guys who definitely fall into the “nice guy” category who most definitely get their bedroom happies, but personally I think that there is something in the alpha male calm and strength (and ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude) which is immensely desirable.
I’m sure I’m not the only one, look at the history of Hollywood stars who’ve scored legions of fans on the basis of personas or characters they’ve played or embraced - James Dean, Marlon Brando, George Clooney, James Spader, Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell, the list goes on and on. Heck, that’s part of my reason for my lust for Hugh Laurie (House), James Spader (Boston Legal) and John C. McGinley (Scrubs). Admittedly, they’re all well-written characters who have the bastard element down pat, but it goes beyond that to the self-assuredness (not to be mistaken for arrogance, though sometimes that’s a fine line), inner strength, and a degree of masculinity that makes the sexually submissive female in me weak at the knees.
Of course, this is only my perspective, as a heterosexual female with definite submissive tendencies (though only in the bedroom), it doesn’t apply to women across the board - there are, for example, women who enjoy ‘sissifying‘ their men (something that strikes me as a bit disturbing, to be completely honest) and the legion of dominatrixes who enjoy making males submit to them.
One question that comes to mind when I think about this topic is - does being a nice guy mean you’re not an alpha male? Being a female, I can only comment from an outsider/observers perspective, but personally I don’t think that it does…I think that during the means of courtship/seduction, there are definitely some bastards who do better at portraying alpha male tendencies than nice guys, but neither are mutually exclusive - both bastards and ‘nice guys’ can be alpha males. Perhaps the comment comes from the fact that nice guys who don’t display these traits are more open to making this complaint than others, which (as I write this) strikes me as having some granule of truth, as I’ve never heard a female actually utter the statement in her own right, but it’s something I’ve heard from quite a few men over the course of conversation.
When it boils down to it, I don’t think it’s about ‘nice guys’ and bastards, but about the traits generally understood to be associated with masculinity and femininity. Whatever feminists argue about society-imposed gender roles, to me, when it comes down the very basics of sexuality and attraction (and I am talking about base attraction, not the whole mechanics of a relationship), there is something in the yielding feminine nature which is attracted to the emotionally strong, self-assured, ‘don’t give a fuck’, take charge personality traits of the alpha male.
What do you think? Do you agree? Disagree? Or despite my ramblings, are you still convinced that “nice guys finish last”?
An Edit:
For the sake of clarification and so I don’t have to have the same idiotic conversation over and over with the various non-alpha males who have told me that “Nice guys get left behind”, let me add the following:
There is, in my opinion, an inherent problem with the above argument in that it’s not acknowledged that we’re dealing with two ideas - what actually constitutes a nice guy, and what the stereotype of a nice guy is.
To me, the stereotype that we’re dealing with is, essentially, a doormat that wants to get laid. The guy who is most definitely aware that he is not an alpha male and does not have any of the traits associated with, the confidence as a particular one. He is, however, aware that this is something that women find attractive, and thus in trying to get closer to them, becomes the best-friend/doormat, continuously stroking egos, being the male friend who they can talk to and walk all over, meanwhile, most probably becoming extremely sexually frustrated and having mad wanking sessions whilst imagining fucking them silly.
So, in my mind, that’s the stereotype.
The real nice guy? The one who is quietly confident in himself, is open, honest and understanding when it is required, but is also not afraid to be himself and up front, doesn’t play games and does not allow himself to be trodden all over by the object of his desires/affections/wanking, whatever the hell you want to call it.
As for what constitutes an alpha male, to me it’s a mix of the traditional biological/evolutionary understanding of the term and a developed understanding based on the changes in human society, interaction and survival. To me, humans no longer fit into the natural order and thus the exact same understandings/definitions that are applied to other organisms cannot be applied correctly to us.
Capisce?
- Moths
- Spiders
- Being mollycoddled
- Too much attention (I don’t like being suffocated, thanks)
- Not enough attention (Nor do I like being entirely left to my own devices for too long)
- People with no interest in the world around them
- Being lied to/deceived (did I ever mention the ex who lied and told me he adored dogs because I’d stated when we were first dating that I did not date men who disliked dogs? It resulted in a not very happy Ellie. Just as much so as the one who told me that he had a girlfriend and was in an open relationship, did I want in? That’s great information - but tell me BEFORE we do the horizontal boogie, not after. It’s not the kind of info a lass likes to have interrupt her post-coital bliss)
- Boredom
- Monkeys
Why the list? Well, because I want to focus on the second last point for a minute. I’ve never coped well with boredom, I’m not one of those folks who can sit around aimlessly doing nothing, I need at least my mind or my body (preferably both at the same time) to be engaged in order not to feel like I’m going out of my mind. Last night was a beautiful example of this - being stuck at home with a lip slathered in cold sore cream (and looking rather like I’d given a messy blow job and forgotten to wipe my mouth), I was aching for something to do since I wouldn’t be able to drink cocktails with the girls. I watched ‘Lost Boys’ (WHY is keifer sutherland so damn sexy? *swoon*), and afterwards I started pacing the house trying to find some manner of occupation. My father and brother were watching ‘The Brave One’ in the lounge room, so I sat down to join them, but felt all…fidgety.
“I know, I’ll make dumplings!” I thought to myself, and leapt up and ran to the kitchen. I started dashing about and by the time I’d finished mixing up the filling, it was 10pm. Not too late to start rolling a small pack of dumpling skins…but see, I never do things by halves. Like the 8+ hours I’d spent in the kitchen on Thursday night, I was in for the long haul, and didn’t finish filling my wonton wrappers till almost 3am this morning (though I have to admit that the entire time wasn’t spent on wontons, I also made a pot of miso soup, kimchi and tuna stew and a wakame seaweed salad.
I highly suspect that has got something to do with the bags under my eyes and my aching back, but nevermind, now I’m off to bake cake and cookies!
(Seriously, I need an intervention, this is insane! I don’t know how much more my freezers can hold!)
So, had plans for my weekend all laid out and have had to cancel the lot of them.
Why?
Because I just checked my lip (which, admittedly, has been feeling Not Quite Right all day), and I was greeted by the sight of a developing cold sore.
*insert a 5 minute long endless stream of expletives*
Not happy, Jan. Not fucking happy.
I plan on staying home all weekend and keeping my lip slathered in cold sore cream.
AFF)S(HFINGFGBJFGS”GNJ:B FHNKL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. Yes I probably should’ve noticed that my lip felt a little odd over the past day but I was too tired to pay attention to anything after my marathon pickling and jamming session yesterday. Plus, I haven’t had a cold sore in YEARS, so I forgot that lip tingling - danger. BAH.
Most of you (or all of you) know that I run a food blog, which is my main blog, this just being a venting hole. While running it gives me lots of joy, there are some times that I just want to shut the whole thing down and go running for the hills.
One of the main sources of grief is the contact form. I originally included it so that people could shoot me an email straight from the page, instead of having to open their email, and I’ve gotten heaps of wonderful emails and inquiries from plenty of very polite people. On the flip side of that, I get emails every now and then that make me weep for the state of humanity, as well as wanting to hunt them down and bash them over the head with a ‘manners’ stick.
Today I got one from a lady which had one line - “please send a recipe of vegetables stew”. That was it. Oh FUCKING hell, I am a person, not a bloody cookbook. Obviously she is capable of using the computer, why she couldn’t TRY A FUCKING GOOGLE SEARCH is beyond me. I’m sorry, since when did I declare myself recipe bitch for the world? Oh, that’s right - NEVER! I’ll put up what I damn well want to put up, that sort of request ain’t gonna get any love from me!
(I should take a moment to say that POLITELY written requests inquiring as to whether my mother has a recipe for a particular Korean dish don’t make me vent so much spleen, because frankly there’s a lack of authentic Korean recipes written in English on the intarwebs)
The request before that was from another woman - “I need recipes high in calcium and magnesium for me and my husband at our age”. It took ALL of my self-control not to respond back with “How WONDERFUL for you! Good luck finding them, you stupid cow!” *fumes* I’m sorry, do I put any such information on my blog? NOOOOOOOOOO! For fuck’s sake, if you have dietary requirements, DO YOUR OWN FUCKING RESEARCH INTO THEM, AND DON’T DEMAND IT FROM OTHERS! Maintaining my self-control, I wrote back with a brief but polite email advising that IF she did indeed have special dietary requirements, that she might want to speak to a nutritionist about what foods would be best suited for her and her husband.
Please, recipe-seeking douchebags of the world, food bloggers ARE NOT there to be your recipe bitches, and writing emails of the above ilk will make us VERY uninclined to offer you any sort of help! Like the Americans who write to me asking for recipes converted into measurements *they* can understand, get off your fuckin’ arses and do your own damn work!
/end rant
Now, as I’ve bought 3kg of plums and 4kg of pears, I’m off to make jam.
