No advice, please
So, a change in circumstances outside my control mean that in addition to all but running the family household, I will also be the main financial contributer for the next year at least. There was no demand, the parental units sat the family down for a meeting, admitted that they needed help and I agreed to it and offered a little bit more than they asked for.
Why? Because we’re family, and despite how much I loathe my father for creating this mess, my family also consists of my mother and siblings, and there is no way I’d leave them do drown in his shit.
Because of the financial burden this will cause on me and the setback to my plans to save for a house deposit, I’ve decided to look for a second job, one for the evenings and/or weekends, one that will help me make sure that I can continue my savings plans (albeit slowly) as well as looking after my family.
So, yesterday I sent an email to ‘the girls’, being as brief about the situation as possible to avoid pity and those ‘poor you’ emails because frankly I’ve no interested in starting a pity party - it’s a waste of time and does nobody any good. I’m 25 years of age and I have been through a FUCKLOAD of hardship in my quarter-century, I’m pretty switched on enough to understand what consequences my decision holds for me. The ONLY reason that I emailed the girls is to ask them to keep an eye/ear out for any evening/weekend jobs that I could apply for - it was the only thing that I asked for and the only thing that I wanted.
THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD that I wanted or need is a person who THINKS that she understands my situation to grandly distribute advice, gift-wrapping it as “hard, but something [I] need to hear”, in the smarmy, condescending manner that I loathe.
To paraphrase her words - it’s there shit, I’m under no obligation to help, let them sort it out as helping them would be ‘enabling’ them.
Two words - FUCK. YOU.
Who the FUCK is she to so grandly wave her hands and say “You should be doing X,Y,Z, it’s their mess so let them clean it up”
Her behaviour towards me over the past six months or so has left a LOT to be desired - I used to cook quite a bit for my friends and while I enjoy it, I’ve also NEVER had any (all but one - V, the woman whom I have more in common with than anyone else in the world) offer to prepare a nice little dinner for me. Once when, Ms. Condescending and another were over for dinner before we went out on the town for drinks (I offered because I’d been on a cooking spree - but frankly I was under no obligation to do so, I just thought it would be nice to have the company, the food would just have easily been frozen), I joked that they’d never cooked for me and it’d be nice to have the favour returned once.
My response? A funny look and exclamations that they don’t cook as well as I do. Umm, excuse me - that is fucking LAME. Did I say I expect a full 3-course spread? NO. I would be PERFECTLY happy with a bowl of vegetable soup and a roll of crusty bread - it’s about the GESTURE, not the fucking food.
The next offense is one I took far more personally - Ms C mentioned to me early in the year that she would be looking to move out later this year. Bearing this in mind and finally feeling like I wanted to try living just for myself instead of being The Dependable One in the family, I mentioned a few weeks later that I was contemplating moving out in passing conversation. Her ears perked up and she repeated that she was looking to move out and for new housemates, and this passed onto a few weeks of light discussion on the topic, possibilities and what our household would be like. On the basis of these discussions, I start to form a game plan for the year in terms of savings and expenditure for moving out.
A month or two passes without the topic coming up again, then when at V’s home for a gladiator-watching session, I ask her if she’s still keen on the idea and she tells me in a VERY blunt manner that she’s not, because she’s wanting to move in with an old housemate and HE’S not keen on having a third person. End of discussion.
Yes, she is well within her right to chose whomever she wants to move in with and it’s understandable that she’d want to move in with him rather than me - they’ve lived together before and know that have working dynamics, and he’s had experience living out of home. However (and this is what pisses me off to no end), SHE DIDN’T TELL ME. If she had even HALF the respect for me that she claims, when her mind was made up that she would move in with P and that I would no longer be welcome, the very fucking least she could do is to call me and inform me of the choice and explain why I’ve been so unceremoniously ‘dropped’.
And then there was the informal invite to her brother’s wedding to be her dancing partner, but that didn’t cheese me off at all because I guessed it to be an empty invite made whilst happy and drunk.
However this behaviour is the final straw. When I wrote back to her and said she shouldn’t try and give advice on a situation she doesn’t understand, her fucking response was “Allright Ellie, I’ve said my bit; whatever you choose to do it up to you.”
SWEET HOLY FUCK! THAT WAS MY POINT EXACTLY! I UNDERSTAND AND HAVE ACCEPTED MY SITUATION, NOBODY IS PULLING THE FUCKING WOOL OVER MY EYES!!!!!
I am a person who rarely asks for help unless it is desperately needed - and even then, I will be very specific about the help that is requested and understand if it can’t be given. One thing I do NOT want when asking for help is for some person to turn around and spout ‘wise’ words in a manner with which a fucking schoolteacher would advise a student.
I am NOT one of your fucking students. I am meant to be your FRIEND.
We’ll see. I managed to hold it together enough to write a half a detailed response explaining myself, before getting so angry again at the realization that I shouldn’t HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO HER, so we’ll see what she says in reply. And if she continues to sit on her “holier than thou” platform and think that she was in the right for informing me of what I should be doing (i.e. leaving my family to collapse financially and living it up on my own) then I want nothing to do with her.
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Comments
stickyfingers Ya - Torch the bitch! Give the cold shoulder and cut ties permanently. Life sucks enough - who needs cunts like that taking up your energy? You’ve got more than enough on your plate. The only people good enough to be around you will know what you need and acknowledge it on your terms. Hang in there Butterfly - you have withstood many storms and will fly through this too.
Perhaps you should give cooking classes?
itchy fingers the not-for-profit I work for is always taking casuals to work in the Disability sector (jobs range from aiding clients in their homes to working in respite houses and day programs.) The money is good and the work rewarding but it can also be quite challenging. You don’t need to have prior experience.
If you’re interested send me an email and I’ll send you the contact details.
Pamela Good for you for continuing to step up for your family. That’s what responsible, level-headed, smart people do. Sorry to hear your ‘friend’ doesn’t fit in that category. Obviously you have enough mess to deal with, without shitty behavior from her.
BumbleB You are an awesome individual, and should be very proud of your decision, and your principles. Your devotion to your family is worthy of respect. I have recently made a similar move myself, in a bid to stop the business my mother started from going down the gurgler, and know that for those of us with heart, you dont think twice, but that doesnt make it any easier. I dont know you personally, but I feel compelled to try help. If you can get past the shyness (rely on your inner strength) there is good money to be earned in motor industry selling what is referred to as ‘aftermarket’ (overpriced tint, paintprotection, alarms, etc) try M1 group, or wynns. Feel free to email me if any Q’s. Yes it maybe dodgy to be associated with car salesman, but occupation doesnt define us, our actions and thoughts do.
Ellie @ stickyfingers - Believe me, I had every intention of doing exactly that, but a few days has given me a bit of perspective and a chance to cool down. I do believe that she genuinely believed she was doing good, but this hardly excuses her words and actions. Will we ever be good friends? I doubt it, but I can’t really say anything till I’ve had more time to distance myself from the event to evaluate the worth of the friendship.
@ itchy fingers - Thanks for the offer, itchy, but I don’t think I could do it for the simple fact that I’m one of those folks who get *very* emotionally invested in their work…volunteering at an orphanage many years ago showed me that I don’t have the emotional strength to hold it together in that sort of situation, and in my current state, I’m afraid that level of mental/emotional exhaustion would just about kill me.
@ Pamela - Thanks, Pamela, those are my sentiments exactly!
@ BumbleB - Thanks…I’ll have a think about it 
Well given that I am still looking for work I can keep an eye out for stuff that you might be interested in Ellie (although to be honest am not sure if I will see much given what I am looking for); so my question was, what sort of work are you after?