Emotional bandaid

The older I get, the more I believe that mind has more control over body than we give it credit for. As a person who used to suffer from incredibly debilitating depression (when the world became too much, I’d become so withdrawn that I was almost catatonic and impossible to communicate with) and was ‘head-doctored’ and medicated for it through half her teens, but looking back now, I truly believe that if I’d had someone back then who could have gently but firmly turned my method of thinking, I would have gotten better much quicker than the years that it took me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the power of positive thinking will end world hunger, purely that trying to think and view things from a different perspective can make life a LOT more worth living. For example, my car accident. It was my first ever vehicular accident and entirely my fault, and reignited all the fears I’d had when I was learning to drive about how cars are dangerous and how I was terrified that behind the wheel of a vehicle, I could cause someone harm. The truth of the matter is that it happened, and I did. I had my best friend who I love like a sister next to me, and I hit another car.

There’s been a LOT of associated guilt with that incident, leading to many restless nights where I wake up because I’ve dreamed about it, and it certainly wasn’t helped by one wanker tosspot who, to paraphrase, decided to tell me that people who didn’t pay attention on the road pissed him off. (One word - DICKHEAD. It’s an ACCIDENT, you fucking wanker, as if you’re perfect and NEVER had an accident or made a mistake in your life. Geezus, some people can be utter twats.)

Anyway, that aside, back onto the rant at hand.

The feelings of guilt and shame over the accident was driving me crazy for awhile, but after awhile I had to give myself a mental shaking to get myself out of it. It WAS an accident, there was no lasting pain inflicted nor unfixable damage to the cars, my parents were extremely good-natured about the accident and the car, and it’s just money, which I’ve now managed to pay off almost half of, thanks to the remaining contents of my savings account and a few random acts of kindness (though that’s a whole different post in itself).

Everyone has their bad days, their bad moods, their funks - despite some people having some bizarre notion that I’m a small woodland critter hopped up on speed (cute, insane and with a manic amount of energy), I have my bad moods too, though brief (in that there is one magnificent, momentary flare-up that dissipates into nothing), if you rub me the wrong way during them, I will snark all over you and, depending on the offense, give you a good bite as well.

No, I’m not kidding about the bite, and no, I don’t draw blood - eww.

Over the past 5 or so years, I’ve had a few acquaintances that I’ve been forced to cut ties with because of their being stuck in a negative mindset. I love my friends, I do, they’re good people, but there’s only so long you can stand by and listen to the constant negativity before it begins to impact on you as well, and that’s not something that I need right now.

I had a discussion about this with a friend, and we agreed that while a friend will let you bitch and sigh and moan and complain, a true friend is one who’ll listen for the first few minutes, then give you a bitchslap and tell you to get the fuck out of it, pull your socks up and look at your situation and think logically about how to change it. You’ve ALWAYS got choices - they may not be choices that you like, but they’re there and it’s up to you to take action. Something about the fact that I’ve chosen to gracefully withdraw from the friendships rather than tackle the problem head on probably says a little about my desire not to upset others (yes, I’m a pussy), but it also says something about the strength of the friendships, or the lack thereof.

Friends are meant to be there for you, that’s true, but being a support is one thing and being an emotional bandaid or crutch is another, and the latter is something I absolutely refuse to be. At this age, we’re meant to be adults, and life is never going to be as easy as it was when we were innocent little 4 year olds again. Life is tough, complicated, and it’s up to YOU to buck up and say that you want to be happy - you can’t rely on others for happiness or peace of mind.

Stop playing the victim, all it does in the end is make you reliant on others instead of yourself. Do not define yourself by your ails, they are not YOU, not a part of your spirit or essence. A person with cancer is NOT her cancer, it is just something she has. I was not depressed - I had depression. Once you stop defining yourself by your inabilities or shortcomings, you’re able to more concentrate on what IS possible than what is not.

Stop blaming others and outside factors for your inability to act. Once you take some responsibility for the way you’re feeling and behaving, you’ll be able to appreciate more than when you were enclosed in your capsule of ‘woe is me’.