To the men seeking relationships with women in my acquaintance

To whom it may concern,Guess what? We have tits. We also have hips, an arse and, believe it or not, a vagina. Despite what you may think, this does not automatically constrain us to the roles of:

1. Mother

2. Cleaning-lady

3. Sex-toy

Not only are we perfectly capable of holding jobs and earning our own wages, but we are also pretty competent when it comes to taking care of ourselves. We do not need to be babied or protected from the ‘big bad world’, nor do we expect you to get into fisticuffs whenever someone does something that you think sullies our honour.

Yes, we have been raised to be thoughtful and caring, and many of us will go out of our way to take care of those that we care for, however, this is a PRIVILEGE and NOT a right. It is not our responsibility to act as your taxi-driver/chauffeur whenever you feel like going out and getting drunk with your other mates, nor is it our responsibility to pet you on the head and coo “there there” into your ear whenever your ego has been damaged or you’ve had a fight with your parents.

We respect the fact that you need nights on your own to do your own thing with your own friends…in fact, to be honest, it comes as a relief as the moments that we’re not with you, we can focus on our OWN lives. However, this does not mean that you can spend every weekend doing things with your other mates because you think that having us over on a weeknight to watch you get pissed/stoned/spend hours playing stupid computer games then go to bed where you proceed to give a quick root then roll over and leave us unsatisfied because you’re tired constitutes a date. To be blunt, that constitutes a complete and utter fucking waste of time.

We are not there to pick up after you. Learn to clean up your own mess and do your own fucking laundry.

Having your mother do it for you does NOT count. In fact, at your age, that’s pretty fucking pathetic.

Oh - and guess what? Those 5 minute shags? We’re totally faking it. If you honestly believed that your pushings and shovings for a few minutes actually brought us to climax, then you’re an idiot. We either did it to stroke your ego, or because we just wanted it to be over so we can start mentally planning the day ahead.

Just as we do not expect you to be a rich gentleman who always treats us like princesses, adorned in diamonds and living in the lap of luxury, do not expect us to act the ‘obedient housewife’ and do all the cleaning/cooking/washing. If you DO develop that expectation, we reserve the right to expect you to bring home at least a 500K p/a salary, as well as the right to be disappointed and leave you when you don’t.

Despite whatever stereotypes you may have grown up with or learnt from the media, we are your EQUALS. Get it through your heads.

And one last point - if I take you aside and quite seriously tell you that intentionally causing one of my friends unnecessary pain during the course of your relationship will result in me developing the desire to break both your kneecaps with a crowbar, do not for one SECOND think that I am kidding. I couldn’t be more serious if I tried. However, on the flip side of that - treating my friends with the respect and honesty they deserve will win in me a deep-seated respect, and depending on circumstances, quite a good friend. It’s your choice as to which way that penny drops.

Warmest regards,
Ellie

P.S. B**, be glad we have no mutual friends through which I can find where you live. I happen to have a golf club with your name on it…and being as crap at golf as I am, though I may only aim for the kneecaps, there’s no telling where that thing could land…