What’s your name?
“You are only a real family if you have the same surname.” Wrong. If a family wants the same surname, why don’t half of these families have the mother’s surname? It seems only women have names that are hard to spell, they aren’t attached to or they don’t like. Not men. Odd. And convenient.
Women told me their husbands would have been happy to change their surnames. But they didn’t. I asked some of these blokes who, according to their wives, would have been happy to. They either said. “No, I wouldn’t have but don’t tell her” or just shuffled their feet and muttered, “I dunno, probably.” You can say what you like now the deal is done.
I did a few radio interviews, and the callers were a real eye-opener. Men told me they agreed with me totally then proudly said: “I told my wife she didn’t have to change her name” or “I let her keep her name but the kids had to have my surname.” Where do I start?
It’s a choice, but what’s informing this choice is the issue. Why is it that it’s “just easier” for “the wife” to change name in almost 100 per cent of situations? It’s easier for many not to take on convention and consequently reveal the depths of dormant patriarchy among their nearest and dearest. Then it’s easier still to say: “It’s just easier.”
The stories I have heard of a backlash towards some women who kept their names were jaw-dropping. More women than you would think have confronted extremely angry reactions, with people telling them it is “illegal”, “unethical” and “selfish” not to change their names. Others just ignore the woman’s wishes and address her as Mrs He.
It’s the mindless default setting, the convenient and flimsy excuses, the extreme defensiveness and the lack of rationality that’s the worry. The personal is political. Surnames don’t need to be uniform. Our society can cope with an equal mix of families with the male surname, the female’s, both, hyphenated (both mother’s and father’s surnames first), male kids get one surname, female kids get the other and new family names. Bureaucracy can cope, but can you?
- Catherine Deveny, “I don’t give a stuff what you do. I’m paid to write what I think”
So what do you think about the whole surname debacle? Personally, would I give up my surname? I’m a bit torn on this issue…I feel alienated from my father and his side of the family, and ever since I was young I wished that I could change it to my mother’s maiden name (the thing that stopped me is the fact that I would have been disowned for such a move). Legally, my mother carries my father’s surname, but in all non-legal correspondence, her maiden name is used. But then again, back in her day in the ‘old country’, keeping her name would not have been an option.
What will happen if/when I ever get hitched? If my partner wants me to change my name, I’ll offer a name swap - mine for his and his for mine. If that doesn’t fly, then its either we keep our own names and hyphenate for the children, or the lot of us hyphenate and have fun with dicking around with punctuation.
Earlier this year, I briefly touched on this subject with one of my coworkers, L, who told me that she had had an argument the night before with her S.O. - he believed that she SHOULD change her name, and when she questioned this belief of his, he got quite aggravated over the issue. I couldn’t believe it - I’d met her partner before and he had seemed like the most easy-going, understanding, supportive and just downright nice person, why such a hang up over a name?
Is it an emotional response based on tradition and social expectations that have been instilled over the course of your life? Is it that they need that feeling of ownership and possession?
The way I look at it, even if I were to get married, I am still my own individual and unique person - I have just aligned and formed a committment to a partnership, and any resulting children from the union are a product of both my partner and myself, hence should bear both names as a mark of each line of ancestry and where they come from. Whether they choose to keep those names or take one over the other is something for them to sort out themselves once they become adults.
But any man who has the blind expectation that I should give up my name can take a hike.
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Comments
Ellie In the end, I think the thing that arks me up the most is the issue of choice - whether you change your name or not is your choice, its not something that your partner should try and force on you :/
Amanda I had full intentions on hyphenating my name, and Nathan had such a strong, adverse reaction to I caved. I don’t think he could even really explain it to me. And I don’t think I could really get him to understand that it’s just as important for me to carry on my familys’ name.
xo
Evane Wow, never knew this was such an issue!
In Singapore, my impression is that most women do not change their names when they get married more out of pragmatism than anything else - it’s waaay too much of a bother. In any event I think traditionally the women don’t change their surnames.
With the different Chinese dialects around, your name is going to sound extremely weird if you marry someone of a different dialect. If I took on my boyfriend’s surname it would be Tan Weng Yan which to non-Chinese may sound okay but it’s half Hokkien and half Cantonese and completely weird-ass.
In Chinese society I doubt anyone does the hyphenating thing except for wannabe anglophiles. It just doesn’t sit with the normal form of Chinese names. Let’s say I married a Cantonese by the name of Chan. My name would be Chan-Lam Weng Yan. Zomg, that’s weird. I guess for Koreans it would be just as weird, since you guy have the same name structure?
I probably would have my kids take on the father’s surname because that’s just the way things have been done forever and ever - I confes I never thought about the issue. I’m going to ask the boyfriend about it tonight and see what he thinks XD
P.S. great personal blog - been an interesting read!
Ellie At first it may not seem like a big issue, but as you pointed out, it has a lot to do with the region your from and the cultural standards there. In places such as Australia & America, where the womens rights movement is a fairly big and active thing, it can be a very touchy subject. You have to consider the history that sounds the changing of a woman’s name upon marriage - along with the dowry, it was a symbol that the woman was no longer part of her parents household but now her husbands, almost like a transaction or sale of ownership.
As for Korea, though we have the same name structure, it is actually common for the woman to take her husband’s name upon marriage as we do not have the dialect hurdle. However, though the name changes on paper, it is not uncustomary for a woman to use her maiden name with acquaintances and some social groups (e.g. my mother’s church group).
Glad you enjoyed your reading time here 
I’m glad I gave some food for thought!
My husband didn’t care one way or another if I took his name or not. I however, really wanted to change my name. My maiden name was short and ugly (I hated it since I was a little girl) and my married name is more alterative and much prettier sounding. Men who insist that their wives take their name are just immature. Who cares? It is some what easier when everyone has the same name (as a former teacher, it was hard to know what to call some of the parents between remarriage, different last names, etc) but whatever, people can adjust.