P: Are you any closer to figuring out who you are and where you fit into this world?
Me: Oh heck no, I think that’s something I’ll always struggle with. It’s the basic existential dilemma, isn’t it? Who am I? Why am I here? Etc…
P: Indeed. I always thought that when I grew up all that would fall into place…..Allegedly I’m grown up now…..and no trace of an answer yet
It’s been an interesting day for me, today. After deciding to set up the personal blog on my own webspace, I was faced with the dilemma of what it would be called and what it would look like. Silly things to worry about, perhaps, but they really troubled me. Part of the reason for the move from “20-Something Singleton” was that frankly, I’m not much of a singleton and the name and ‘persona’ of that blog never sat very well with me. I rarely drink and am not much of a party animal, preferring to pore over cookbooks and trying new dishes out in the kitchen that I think will be challenging or just different for me to make. I’ve often commented to people that I feel a bit out of place in this day and time, but the problem is far bigger than would first appear as I really don’t know what time I would have felt comfortable. It’s not a case of displacement so much as anachronism, but either way there really doesn’t seem to be much of an answer.
Part of tonight’s introspective ramble has to do with the discussion in my philosophy class this afternoon. What makes us us? Is there a separation of mind and matter? I’ve always been something of a materialist, believing in the rather unromantic view that we are simply the sum of our atoms. Souls, spirits and the afterlife have always been concepts that I struggle with, and for many years this caused a rift between me and my devoutly Roman Catholic parents. The problem with my materialist perspective, however, is that I’ve always used it to look at humanity as a whole, rather than personalizing and internalizing it.
Am I simply the sum of my physical matter? Is everything that makes me unique and my own person just a case of chemical signatures in my brain?
Who am I?
Well, there are some things that I can state with certainty…
- I am the child of my parents
- I am the older sister of my two siblings
- I am both Korean and Australian
But surely that’s not all that I am. Outside of those seperate identities, there must exist some pure facts about myself that do not alter according to the people and environments outside of me. Am I happy person or a sad person? I know I’m definitely a melancholic and sadly romantic person most of the time, but even those descriptions don’t fit as sometimes I feel neither of those things. I’m not the friendliest person in the world, but I’m not entirely standoffish either. I crave the companionship of others, but most of the time I’m content to be alone with my music, books and dog.
I like to look at the world through the lens of a camera, it gives me the physical sense of distance that I feel inside my head. Despite my sense of being a casual observer of the human condition, I long to be in amongst it all.
So, what fundamental elements of myself can I state with certainty?
I am Ellie.
I am alive and a functioning human being.
I am currently going through the motions towards becoming a productive member of the society in which I currently reside.
I guess that will do for now.
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