How to behave yourself on public transport
The way that people behave on public transport is, I think, a very good indication of what kind of people they are and how they conduct themselves in day to day life. Public transport is a shared mode of transportation, and in order for you to help make it a more pleasant experience than it currently is, here is a set of guidelines that everyone utilizing PT should follow:
1. Do not carry on extended mobile phone conversations at the top of your lungs so that the entire carriage can overhear.
Now, I understand that mobile phones enable us to remain in contact regardless of physical location, but that does not mean that it’s a good idea for you to be discussing your yeast infection on the 5:30pm train from the City to Glen Waverley. Neither is it a good idea to be discussing any very personal aspects of your own or someone elses life - especially if you’re someone with a predisposition towards using the phrases “oh my gahd” and “like”
e.g. “Oh my GAHD, did you hear that Ben broke up with Linda? That’s, like, SO wrong, because she is just so right for him! And, like, oh my GAHD, what’s with him, like, asking out Michelle? HELLO??” (I am only slightly exaggerating, I’ve heard conversations VERY similar to this whilst on PT)
Conducting yourself in the above manner will make you appear as a dullwitted Paris Hilton wannabe, and despite what you think, this is not a good thing.
2. Do not put your feet/handbag/shopping on the seats of a crowded vehicle, especially when people are jostling for standing room
I’m really not going to elaborate here, because if you’re asking “why not” then you’re one of those annoying ‘Entitlement Bitch’ types and there’s no reasoning with you. People like you make baby jesus cry.
3. Do not smoke whilst standing at undercover waiting areas for public transport
Not only is it now illegal and a fineable offence, it’s really freaking annoying for everyone else, especially if you’re the type who stands in the doorway of the train puffing on that cigarette till the moment the door closes, and stinking up the carriage with the smell of your smoke.
4. Offer the elderly, pregnant women and anyone who is visibly injured your seat
Hey, Mr. Suit Wearing Type, I saw you look away from that old woman. I offer my seat whenever I can, and in this instance I’m sitting next to the window and if I offered my seat she’d have to clamber over 6 sets of legs to get to it whilst on a moving vehicle. Get off your sorry arse over there in the aisle and let the little old lady rest her swollen legs. Your granny would be so ashamed of you right now.
5. Watch where you sit
Now, despite the fact that the lady sitting down is in violation of rule number 2, that does NOT give you the right to plonk your arse on top of her handbag. For all you know, hiding inside that handbag is an authentic Ming Dynasty vase that you are now going to have to replace. It’s just rude, and it’s easier to avoid any drama by USING your mouth. Was it really too difficult to say “Excuse me, but I’d like to sit down. Could you please move your bag?”
6. Do not leave your bag IN the aisle or leave it on your back - it is not a person and does not need as much (or more) standing room as you do.
Okay, this is directed at you schoolkids with those giant Quasimodo-style backpacks. I’m sorry, are you all wearing chastity belts? Is there something preventing you from opening your legs and placing that giant bag between them instead of in front of you? And as for those of you who insist on keeping it on your back - THINK! This bag takes the space of an entire HUMAN in itself, by placing it between your feet you are instantly creating more room for yourself and your fellow commuters.
7. Body odour - maintain it
‘Nuff said. We’re coming into summer, and nobody likes having to stand with their face away from another traveller’s stinky pit during their hour-long journey home. A can of anti-persperant deoderant is less than a cup of coffee from the supermarket - consider it a worthwhile investment.
8. Respect peoples personal space, and apologise when you invade it
When those trains are packed like sardine cans, it means that the occasional jostle as the train bumps and jerks along on it’s journey is unavoidable. However, if you happen to have stepped on someone’s foot with your stiletto heel, or just elbowed them in the stomach - look them in the eye and apologise. I know you didn’t do it on purpose (if you did, may you rot in hell), but it’s just good manners and will prevent the injured person from seeking an excuse to return the ‘favour’.
9. Listen to your music at a respectable level
When I get on public transport, I usually just want to sleep for the duration of my journey, and having someone blasting death metal from their earphones while sitting next to me pisses me off to no end. First of all, have you not heard of tinnitus? You’re doing permanant damage to your ears by listening to your music at that level. Second of all - you’re NOT that cool, and people are not going to think “hey, that guy is awesome because he has great taste in music”. It is more likely that they’re going to think you’re a tosser for bopping your head, scrunching your eyes and jiggling to your death metal on the train.
10. If you are incapable of following these rules, do not enter into the public sphere
If you disagree with the points outlined above, then you are a selfish, thoughtless individual who should be locked in their home till they learn to respect others.
Every single one of these points has been based on behavior I have witnessed or had to put up with whilst travelling on the train & tram networks in Melbourne. Really people, it is NOT all that difficult to behave like a decent human being in public. Didn’t your mothers ever teach you lot manners??
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